So, last week I touched on finally feeling happy. That feeling of raw contentment. Finally feeling a little freer from the demons that have been plaguing my mind.
Well, I have a confession. It isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. With these days of elation will of course come bad days.
A powerful quote from Matt Haig (Author of “Reasons to stay alive”) stays with me on these bad days – “When you are having another bad day you can say Well this feels bad, but there have been worse”.
On Sunday evening, I was hit by a major low. With this major low came one of the worst panic attacks I have had in a very long time. You see, panic attacks for me are quite “normal”, I have suffered from them since the age of 15. However, this attack was on a whole new level.
At home, on my own, I was hit with an overwhelming sense of loneliness. This was then coupled with anger, as Terry had cancelled a face to face discussion we had planned the week before. We were going to talk things out, to ensure that we had no more bad feelings, and that we could both be free to get on with our lives without this stress. I had prepared mentally all day. I knew what I wanted to say. I knew the questions that I wanted to ask. I knew that this discussion would close a door that I had left ajar for the past month.
The anger and loneliness hit me hard. I began to break down. My body crumpled, as I struggled to catch my breath. Intense anxiety was sweeping over me. I can usually control the attacks, but this one was unstoppable, and it was becoming stronger by the second.
I was hyperventilating, my whole-body convulsing, and the feeling of pins and needles from my face to my toes was so extreme.
I tried to recall all the exercises I had been taught to calm, but I couldn’t think. It just got worse and worse. I was alone in my flat. I tried to stand, and fell, hitting my head.
At this point, all that was running through my head was “I am going to die.” – though an extreme thought, it consumed me.
Time went by, and I finally managed to calm myself.
But do you know what happened after this attack? I suddenly felt the door close. For your body to be taken over with such an intense reaction, it really did show me how bad all this negativity was for my own health. I was never going to let someone have that reaction again. He isn’t worth that.
Since that evening, the door has remained closed, and I am finally sleeping. I am beginning to feel human again. I am taking pride in myself, and my strength.