Victoria and I both struggle with one battle that I can imagine that most of us do. It is the constant search for proof. The definition of “proof” in these cases varies daily, and almost becomes consuming.
I am a self-confessed social media stalker. I can’t help it. It is almost an addiction.
On knowing that my partner was back with his ex, I trawled through social media daily. I looked at current photos, they broke my heart. I saw their smiling faces, looking up at me through my screen. I sat and cried. Why do I do this to myself, why must I torture myself like this? I already knew what I would find, I looked at the same page just yesterday.
I realised I wasn’t alone in this addiction when Victoria and I were sat watching TV one evening. I was engrossed in yet another mind-numbing episode of some rubbish, when I looked to my left, and saw tears dropping down onto Vics cheeks. My heart sank again, she had been so much happier recently, but I understood that waves of sadness did sometimes come over her still.
I muted the TV.
“Vic, are you okay?”
To this, she showed me her phone screen, and the tears began rolling even faster.
On the screen was a photograph of a young blonde girl, grinning into the camera. I looked at her, puzzled. Why was she upset about this? And then I realised. She didn’t have to say a word. I understood what was happening.
I scrolled down the screen. Of course, he had commented. It was clearly his new interest.
“Vic…” I started.
“I knew it, I knew that he had moved on. I knew.”
I put my arms around the girl that had managed to pull me out from such a low point, even though she was fighting her own demons that consumed her mind.
“Why do we do this to ourselves, Vic. Why do we have to put ourselves through more hurt?”
Her answer rang full of truth.
“It is because we need to see for ourselves. We need the proof. When we see something there in front of us, something that we can’t create and excuse for, it hurts, but it lets us close that door a little more. And then one day, we won’t need to look any more. We will have no need, because that door will be closed, and that chapter will be finished. We will be free of it all.”
I smiled. She was right.
A week on and I don’t need to stalk social media constantly. I’ve seen the proof, I know the truth. I have accepted it.
We do both catch each other having a look every now and again. But, that is okay. The door is almost shut. Now, it is our time to shine.